Kenya’s Ingenious Solution To Cybercrime: Register Every Wi-Fi User And Device With The Government

Good news! Kenya has developed an ingenious, foolproof plan to put an end to the menace of cybercrime as we know it: they’ll soon be requiring that all Wi-Fi users register with the government before going online. Since most of us realize that hacking or tricking Wi-Fi authentication systems is impossible, and, as we all know, criminals aren’t capable of stealing other peoples’ Wi-Fi credentials, Kenya will be at the very forefront of landing a killing blow on internet-based crime as we know it for decades to come. It’s simply amazing that someone didn’t come up with this idea sooner.

The new head of Kenya’s Communications Authority, Francis Wangusi, last week stated in a speech that Kenya has taken over chairmanship of Association of Regulators of Information and Communications for Eastern and Southern Africa (ARICEA), a body that fights cybercrime within member nations. A new mandate of the group will require that every single Wi-Fi device in each and every member nation be registered with KENIC for the good of internet users everywhere:

“He added that Kenyans will also be required to register their mobile devices with Kenya Network Information Centre (KENIC) in new rules aimed at fighting cyber- crime. “We will license KENIC to register device owners using their national identity cards and telephone numbers, the identity of a device will be known when it connects to Wi-fi,” said Mr Wangusi at the ARICEA annual general meeting Tuesday in Nairobi. CA is also committed to conduct a detailed study on the depth of web hackings in the country. Wangusi said cyber-attacks are on the rise with the banking sector suffering most, followed by government officials.”

Other reports seem to indicate the well-formed plan could just involve users having to plug in a passport or other ID number before being able to access the internet whatsoever:

“We are considering the idea of ensuring the Public Wi-Fi is not accessed without a log in. The logging in of the public domain will require one’s passport number, ID Number or telephone number,” he said. “The unique number of a device is identified on the internet but we can’t identify who is owning it, if you don’t use the right identification numbers. That’s why we insist on logging in the Public Wi-Fi with personal credentials. This will help us in securing the cyber space, in case of cybercrimes,” he said.”

Since MAC spoofing apparently doesn’t exist in the alternate dimension I’m currently writing this story from, it should be relatively easy to get everybody voluntarily registered while constantly monitoring and thwarting any attempt to bypass the system. Similarly, since fighting the ambiguous menace known as “cybercrime” is never used as a pretense to expand government surveillance and brick-and-mortar oppression, Kenya will likely spearhead this bold new assault on internet skulduggery without any negative repercussions whatsoever for the public at large. Amazing!

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